Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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