She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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