One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
