I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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