I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
