The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
