He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
