walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
