fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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