Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
