my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize