we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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