i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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