Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
