my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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