oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
