I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
