She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
