hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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