Your face is a jimmy john
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
