guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
