Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
why do cheetos always look like penises
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
