My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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