I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
