Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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