pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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