dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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