I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
