i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
