I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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