I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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