my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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