if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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