You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
