OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
