thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
