The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
