hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
