All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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