Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
