I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
