Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
