I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
