Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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