my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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