im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Randomize
