I never want to see another naked old woman again.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
