What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
