im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize