If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
