No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
