toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Randomize
