The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize