The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
