Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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