I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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